


given unsought

by Aenya



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 13:08:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6052732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aenya/pseuds/Aenya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In retrospect - perhaps it was a little crazy. Not many people would just immediately accept the offer of a friend-of-a-friend to go stay with <i>their</i> friend - a complete stranger - in a remote town in the middle of nowhere.</p><p>It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now? Rin is not so sure anymore. If he's going to be honest with himself, he's a bit nervous.</p><p>And the cryptic parting text message from Makoto which reads "I really hope you like mackerel..." isn't helping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tsuyori](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuyori/gifts).



The barely tangible vibration of the cool glass against the side of his head is soothing, and the soft repeating background noise of wheels on tracks has a drowsy quality to it. Normally he’d be peacefully dozing by now, but even the calm of the mostly empty train car isn’t helping. They’ve long since left the heavily populated areas, and there’s only a few stations left before they reach their destination - the last announcement he heard vaguely registered as Fukube Station in his mind.  

He hasn’t been keeping track of the time though, not really, instead spending the majority of the journey looking everywhere but the window, and carefully avoiding so much as glimpsing his reflection in the glass. Even with his cap pulled down low on his brow he can’t pretend he’s “alright” anymore, like he’s been trying to do for weeks. There’s no hiding the sickly pale complexion, the deep bruise-like shadows under his eyes, and the slightly unkempt hair giving evidence to the fact he hasn’t showered in at least a couple of days.

Shifting from his uncomfortable position he looks up at the opposite seat at his… friend? Can they be called friends at this point? He thinks so, even though he’s barely known Sousuke’s work colleague, Makoto, for a few months. It feels much longer than that, it’s the kind of aura Makoto has, he guesses. And now he allowed him to whisk them away to a town in the middle of nowhere, on a very short notice no less.

The fact he’s only realising the ridiculousness of this situation after a flight from Tokyo to Tottori, and spending what feels like forever on a train, probably speaks volumes of his mental state. In fact, it’s turning into a crazier idea by the minute, something he should have seen earlier. The closer they get to Iwatobi, the more the reality of his ‘spur of the moment’ decision is catching up with him.

He doesn’t even know anything about Makoto’s friend, other than a name and the fact he lives alone and is an artist. That's not much information to go on - then again, Rin hadn't really asked questions. Faced with the prospect of someone, a complete stranger, being generous enough to let him hole up somewhere this remote, so he would able to rest for a while and avoid some of the fallout of the mayhem he caused? Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time to accept the offer immediately.

Now? ...He’s not so sure anymore.

And if he's going to be honest with himself, he's a bit nervous about being left alone with someone he knows nothing about. Sousuke seemed to dislike him, given away by the fact he instantly crankily grumbled when Rin staying in Iwatobi was brought up as an option.

Honestly, that probably should have been a warning sign, but after so many years of being friends with him, Rin is used to Sousuke being a pain in the ass towards people in general. That’s probably why he didn’t think anything of it and didn’t pay attention when Sousuke made it a personal mission to drag every detail of this trip out of Makoto, and repeatedly tried to talk Rin out of going, with increasing desperation. He even tried doing it one last time at the airport, just before Makoto and him boarded the plane to Tottori.

Should he have been listening to all the “this is a really stupid idea, Rin” ’s coming out of his best friend’s mouth afterall?

Then again, he figures, this isn’t the first time he’s done something crazy involving travel, plus, Sousuke’s tendency to be annoyingly meddlesome isn’t exactly rare either. Rin only wishes Makoto didn’t have to take the brunt of Sousuke’s passive-aggressive bullshit, since he himself wasn’t exactly ‘mentally present’ to really hear it. 

 

The sudden onset of guilty feelings makes him frown, and as if sensing Rin’s gaze on himself, Makoto looks up from the book he’s been reading since they left Tokyo, a brief flicker of a smile dancing on his lips as their eyes meet. Before he can really think about what he's doing, out of the blue, Rin's lips form a sentence he didn't quite anticipate saying.

“I’m sorry for making you do all this.”

Makoto blinks in obvious confusion, once, then twice more, and finally the realisation hits.

“You didn’t make me do anything. I _offered_ to help you get here, and you accepted. There’s a difference. Besides, it will be nice to see my-” Makoto lets himself trail off with a vague hand gesture and smiles apologetically, as if talking about wanting to see his family will somehow set Rin off or something. He can’t find it in himself to be irritated about it though. Even from the relatively short time he’s known Makoto, it’s been pretty obvious that he’s polite and caring to a fault. It’s probably second nature to him to censor himself like that.

“It will be nice to see Haru again too.” Makoto adds after a brief pause, smiling a little bit more naturally now, and even despite the lack of resentment, Rin feels grateful for being given the chance to switch the topic.

“You haven’t seen each other for a while, right?” he asks tentatively.

“Yes. Last time it was… Christmas, I think? He came to Tokyo once after that, but we both didn’t really have the time to meet up then for more than coffee.” Makoto pauses a moment, and then softly adds “I wish he’d visit more often…”

“You miss him, huh?”

“He’s been my best friend since we were kids. It’s a shame he doesn’t care much for big city life. ...And generally treats his phone like a personal torture device.” Makoto mutters.

Rin nods slowly. He kind of gets it, trying to deal with being so far away from someone you care about. The separation almost drove him and Sousuke apart before, though not through his friend’s lack of efforts to keep the friendship going. He guesses he’s “Nanase” in this equation - not really staying in touch much, and barely ever visiting. That changed with time of course, and moving to Tokyo helped, especially when he found an apartment close to his– 

 

The trail of thought comes to a rapid screeching halt, and something must show on his face, because Makoto raises his book again, high enough for Rin to be out of his sight, and far too ‘casually’ for it to be a coincidence.

He leaves him be until they disembark the train a few stations later, but it’s more than enough time for Rin to carefully reconstruct the facade he’s been keeping up for the better part of a few months now. It’s still quiet between them though while they make the slow trek through town with Rin’s luggage; Makoto leading the way with a leisurely pace and not trying to make forced conversation.

Rin takes a moment to breathe in the fresh ocean air, having forgotten how great such a simple thing could feel. Instantly he feels a little better about this whole trip, already a bit calmer, less keyed up. As they begin to ascend a long concrete staircase, he pauses briefly, looking out over the town, and finally he feels himself centered enough again to break the slightly uncomfortable silence.

“The town looks like it hasn’t changed one bit since I last came here…” Rin murmurs softly.

“Eh? What do you mean? You’ve been here before?”

“Yeah. My– ...family came from around this area.” he manages to swallow around the word he almost let slip.

“I had no idea you lived in Iwatobi!” Makoto beams down at him, so genuinely delighted at the discovery Rin feels a little guilty for needing to set him straight.

“Not exactly. We lived in Sano. My grandmother’s house was in Iwatobi. My sister Gou and I… We used to stay over at her place for school breaks sometimes. That’s why I told you from the start that you didn’t need to come with me. I’d find my way around,” he shrugs, offering Makoto a small smile, though it feels a little weak and foreign, like he’s forgotten how to do it - which, to be fair, wouldn’t be an incorrect assumption at this point.

“Rin, I already told you I wanted to do it, so you wouldn’t have to try and navigate the town on top of everything else.” Makoto smiles back at him, a hundred times more sincerely than Rin feels he could manage right now. “And I wanted to come for a quick visit soon anyway, so this was as good an opportunity as any.”

“Fair enough…” Rin sighs out, knowing this discussion won’t lead anywhere, and motions for the both of them to continue their climb up. 

 

It takes the better part of an hour to get to their final destination, what with the extra weight in luggage and its unwieldiness on the steep stairs. By the time they reach the traditional-looking house near the very top of the hill, it’s already slowly growing dark and they’re both decidedly exhausted, and fairly sweaty on top of it. Rin doesn’t mind though, he’s used to being both, and now at least he feels he’ll be able to blame his already slightly messy looks on the long journey and the trek.

“Normally I’d just announce myself, and go inside, but since I’m not alone…” Makoto grins back at Rin sheepishly as he rings the doorbell. It takes a few moments, the soft creak of wooden floorboards coming closer before the door slides open.

“Long time no see, Haru-chan!” Makoto tilts his head beaming happily at the person in the doorway, even before they’ve had the time to look up.

“When are you going to–”

“...drop the ‘chan’? Never!”

If Rin found himself on the receiving end of _that_ glare, he’d probably wouldn’t be smiling as brightly as Makoto. But the situation feels like an old song and dance, a routine these two have gone through time and time again, so he doesn’t think he’ll need to help bury Makoto’s body any time soon.

...He thinks he might need to bury himself though, for entirely different reasons, the moment those eyes (“ _pretty, blue, as clear as water_ ”, his treacherous brain supplies) are turned on him with an equal intensity. The gaze is tinged with curiosity rather than murderous intent though, thankfully.

“Ah, right! Introductions!” Makoto turns to him, “This is my friend, Nanase Haruk-”

“Haru.” he cuts Makoto off. “And you must be Rin.”

It’s all he can do to bow shortly and attempt to look composed, still reeling from the unnervingly intense and unmoving focus of his soon-to-be host. “Y-yeah... Matsuoka Rin. Nice to meet you.”

Haru just nods and beckons them inside, but the very moment they step through the threshold, a very loud, high-pitched shriek of “onii-chan!” coming from the direction of the house across the road cuts through the air, making all three of them flinch. Haru huffs out what could pass for a small laugh and looks at Makoto.

“I guess that means you’re not staying for dinner?”

Makoto sighs heavily and turns to Rin again, while backing out through the door. “I guess it does... Sorry to just dump you here like that, Rin. If I don’t get over there, the twins will come harass us in here instead... And trust me, nobody wants that. I’m in the house just across the path until tomorrow evening, so let me know if you need anything before I leave?”

“No, it’s alright, you didn’t have to come all the way here anyway just to see me off, I keep telling you. Go spend some time with your family, we’ll be fine. Right?” he turns to Haru and attempts to smile with more confidence than he really feels. He’s somewhat relieved to see that his host seems a little nervous too, now that the ‘buffer’ of Makoto’s presence will be gone already.

Haru nods and offers a smile to Makoto as he waves goodbye, before sliding the door closed behind him.

The momentary silence that falls between them with Makoto gone feels tense and charged in a way Rin can’t explain. He tries to say something, but only closes his mouth again, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly with his hand when no words come to him. He hears Nanase sigh out slowly and out of the corner of his eye catches the hesitant nod in the direction of the stairs.

“I guess I should... show you around?”

“Yeah... That would be... great? I mean, I’m going to be staying here, so... I should... know... Um.”

Haru nods, and turns around, clearly expecting Rin to follow him. Just as they reach the base of the stairs, though, Rin’s stomach takes the opportunity to make a really loud and _embarrassing_ noise, which he tries to laugh off with a strained smile that looks more like a grimace.

“You, uh... mentioned dinner, I believe?”

“Yeah. I just need to heat some of it up,” Haru says with what definitely is the ghost of a smile.

“Think I have the time to take a shower and change clothes? It’s... been a long day.” If he’s being honest with himself, it’s been a long couple of months, and he’s suddenly once again acutely aware of how unkempt and travel-worn he looks, though he doesn’t really pause to consider why it matters all of a sudden.

“Sure.”

The awkwardness is still practically suffocating, and all Rin wants is to revisit his earlier musings on needing to bury himself and actually put them into action. Thankfully, the feeling slowly dissipates while Haru takes the time to point out where everything is and helps him bring his luggage up the stairs to the room Rin will be sleeping in.

 

When he’s left alone to unpack a few necessities, Rin takes a moment to open the window and look out at the slowly setting sun, the hint of the sea breeze still tangible in the air, even so high up the hill.  
  
Maybe this impromptu “vacation” could do him some good afterall…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is part of a quote from Shakespeare's "Twelfth night": “Love sought is good, but given unsought is better”.
> 
> I think this is a first, a x-mas fic exchange "pinch hit" being posted so late, eheheh... *cough*  
> Between not being able to get a reliable and not busy beta (twice), and life kicking me in the ass in the most untimely manner possible - I was determined to get this done for you, Tsuyori, no matter what! I felt bad when your originally assigned writer for the exchange bailed out on you, and then felt even worse when it became nearly impossible for me to deliver this to you in a timely manner... Hope you'll forgive me ._.  
> I'm not sure how many chapters this fic is going to be yet, I need to do edits and see how to cut it into chapters. It shouldn't take too long, now that I have most of it written up, though.  
> Your prompts were a "little bit" on the angsty side ;D... I'm hoping you'll enjoy how I interpreted one of them - though it might not be what you were expecting!  
> ...Merry LATE xmas ;)?
> 
> Many thanks to [ashanizer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ashanizer/profile/)/[dokidoki-love](http://dokidoki-love.tumblr.com/) for doing the beta, after two people in a row bailed out on me ^^;;; I'm forever grateful you helped me out on such short notice!


	2. Chapter 2

The first time it happens, Rin almost has a heart attack after entering the kitchen.

 

It’s been barely two days since he got there, and while it was awkward at first, especially during the first shared dinner, it dissipated quickly, leaving only the barest hints of the fact they’re practically strangers. It soon becomes obvious as well that Haru doesn’t much care about what Rin does (or doesn’t do) during his time there. The only requests he makes are to not bother him if he doesn’t respond while he’s working and to not move things around in his studio - the room just off to the side of the living room. Both of these are easy enough to abide by, and Rin wouldn’t intrude into someone’s belongings anyway... Unless there was a huge mess getting on his nerves for a prolonged period of time...

Luckily, Haru’s house is very clean and organised, to the point of Rin wanting to compulsively run his fingers across all flat surfaces, just to see if there really isn’t a speck of dust in sight, or if he’s just imagining it. He swallows down the ridiculous impulse, though, extraordinarily pleased that he doesn’t have to deal with someone untidy - he’s had a lifetime’s worth of annoyance over sharing space with chaotic roommates and really doesn’t need any more of it. Especially not where he wouldn’t be able to do much about it - it’s not his house, and he’s a guest.

At first, Rin even suspected Haru might have just simply cleaned up because he was going to have a visitor. However, Rin quickly notices the meticulous way he sorts and cleans his art supplies, the always immediately washed dishes, and the fact everything seems to have its own designated space. All of it says that Haru really is just a tidy person to begin with, and Rin can never have enough appreciation for that.

Rather than waste it, he even sets leftover food and water bowls out into the small front garden for the stray cats who seem to like coming to lounge around his porch in the evenings - another huge plus in his favor! Rin always thinks better of people who are good to animals, and cats in particular.

Everything continues pointing to the fact this little ‘vacation’ should be... easy. It’s quiet and remote, the air is fresh and the weather still warm enough to forego a thicker jacket, though that won’t be the case for much longer this late in the year. Rin already finds himself gradually unwinding. It’s easier here to leave the stress of his life “outside” behind, and try to both forget and come to terms with the past couple of hellish months. To try and pick apart all the feelings he’s been trying to shove deep down because he didn’t have the time nor space to deal with them as they came, and wouldn’t be given that luxury to begin with. But now, by being back in Iwatobi, he feels like he really could give himself a little time to just _breathe_.

He suspects that was exactly the point Makoto was trying to make when he arranged this opportunity for him. The stillness was jarring at first, but the quiet and normalcy of Haru’s almost boring daily life is a huge contrast to the breakneck speed Rin has been rushing through life with. Not that Haru himself is boring, though.

He’s been trying hard not to snoop and to abide by Haru’s request not to bother him while he works, but Haru doesn’t slide the door to his studio closed unless he’s working with the kind of paint he doesn’t want to smell in the living room later. Rin can’t really be blamed for glancing through the open doorway while Haru works, right…?

Okay, so maybe he purposefully started sitting at the very edge of the low living room table while he works on all the paperwork and sorts through all the emails he’s largely ignored for the past few months. It simply makes it easier to stomach everything if he can just look up, and lose himself for a few moments in the almost serene movements of Haru’s paintbrush against the canvas, or whatever other medium he’s working with. And he’s _good_. Rin doesn’t really ever get to see the finished products because Haru sets them aside to dry where they can’t be seen from the door, but he can’t help but think that whatever Haru doesn’t say out loud he expresses with his artwork.

And even from the few days trying to get more than a few words out of Haru at a time, Rin can tell that he really wants to get to know more about his host. He’s quiet, sure, and probably doesn’t go out much (if at all), and sticks to a fairly simple day plan, from what Rin could see. He mostly works on whatever art project strikes his fancy, or commissions - which seem to be his main source of income - and breaks that up with meal times or chores.

 

However, as Rin soon finds out, no matter how mundane and uneventful the quiet routine of an almost antisocial artist might seem, spending time with or around Haru... apparently might come with its own set of _challenges_.

 

Since the first evening, his host adamantly refuses being called ‘Nanase’ and insists on ‘Haru’, thereby inadvertently breaking the first ice. That was nice, easy. Adjusting to the silence and his apparent lack of interest in any conversation at all is turning out to be a little harder for Rin, but not unmanageable.

But early that morning, he startles himself upon finding Haru in the kitchen making breakfast for himself - which perhaps should have struck him as odd - but that isn't what causes his subsequent yelp.

“Gah! _FUCK_!” Rin swears, he wasn’t expecting for Haru to be up already and ends up being taken by surprise enough to jump back violently and crash his upper arm into the wall by the doorway with no small amount of force. “Haru!”

A small flinch, a quick glance behind him, and a soft ‘good morning’ are the only indicators that Haru was at all affected by Rin’s outburst.

“Good morning, my ass...” Rin mutters crankily, rubbing his sore arm with a grimace, already expecting to be nursing a bruise there later. “Why are you up s- _ssooOO_!?!?”

His voice quickly raises in pitch and morphs into something resembling panic, as he quickly puts a hand over his eyes, and backs up against the wall behind him, his other hand curling into a tight fist at his side.

“Rin? What are you doing?” Haru speaks in confusion after a short beat of silence.

“What does it _look_ like I’m doing?! Dancing the rumba, obviously!” Rin grits out with agitation, his voice still high and a little shaken, oddly muffled and distorted from where his hand is pressing down against his nose. “What I’d like to know is what _you’re_ doing?!”

Another short, quiet pause and then, “What does it look like I’m doing? Making breakfast, _obviously_.” Haru mutters in a cranky and deliberate imitation of Rin’s tone.

“I saw _that_ ! What I meant was: why are you doing it _naked_ ?!” He should probably feel embarrassed about the way his voice almost cracks near the end of that sentence, but in his defense, there are more pressing matters to truly be flustered with. Because, really, who even _does_ that?! Sure, it’s his house and he can do whatever the hell he wants, but perhaps not when there are other people there to potentially... _see_ him?!

The silence feels even longer than before and Rin resists the urge to swallow thickly, desperately trying not to think of all the sheer expanse of _skin_ he glimpsed, when finally Haru sighs in a truly exasperated fashion.

“Rin, I’m not naked.” When no answer or acknowledgment comes forth, because Rin _really_ isn’t falling for that, Haru feels the need to repeat himself again.

“I’m wearing clothes.” Rin fidgets at that and the fist at his side unclenches, his posture relaxing tentatively because he honestly doesn’t so far have any reason to believe Haru is ever a liar.

“ _Rin_.” The tone, this time, is far more irritated than exasperated, and Rin figures he really has to give Haru the benefit of the doubt.

Slowly he pulls his fingers apart and carefully cracks an eye open to peek through them, ready to shut it again, just in case, and... Well, Haru wasn’t lying. He _is_ wearing clothes... of a sort. He already turned his attention back to the fish he’s grilling, so Rin pulls his hand away from his face fully, and just stares, while trying hard _not_ to. He can’t help it, though, he’s already slowly been coming to terms with the fact his host is easy on the eyes. And this... really isn’t helping.

And honestly, he can’t be blamed for thinking Haru was naked. Not many people would consider a backless apron, pulled over a _swimsuit_ of all things, was appropriate kitchen attire, or expect others to recognise it as such, what with so much skin exposed - especially while frying things. Rin makes a weak, stupefied gesture trying to form some sort of words in his throat. The only thing that comes out of his mouth is a slightly croaky “why?”, to which Haru doesn’t even bother turning around.

“I was hungry. And I didn’t want to get oil on my swimsuit.”

“Oh! Of course! Yes, how stupid of me... And you are wearing a swimsuit becauuussee…?”

“I was taking a bath.” Haru either didn’t hear or recognise the sarcasm in Rin’s tone or simply ignored it, because the reply is as matter-of-fact and unruffled as ever.

Rin blinks and makes an effort to take in Haru’s appearance properly, and yes, the stretchy fabric does cling to his legs quite thoroughly, and his hair is still slightly damp. Rin barely has the time to wonder why anyone would take a bath in a swimsuit, when a droplet of water detaches from the ends of the hair on Haru’s nape and makes a slow and entirely too graphic trek between the shoulderblades, down along his spine, pausing briefly in the slight dip just above the waistband of his jammers and–

Rin quickly screws his eyes shut, trying to think of absolutely _anything_ else; the run he was about to take, the number of kilometers he might be able to manage today, he’s been slacking off and needs to pick up the routine again–

“A bath... in a swimsuit?” he manages to grit out, while pushing past Haru, resolutely not looking in his direction at all, and focusing only on getting to the kitchen sink and filling his water bottle.

“Yes.”

“You know what... I’m not even going to question that. It’s way too early...” He turns the tap off with an exasperated sigh and screws his bottle shut tight, making sure nothing will spill. “I’m going out for a run, ‘kay?” He adds, managing to continue avoiding so much as even glancing at Haru on his way out of the kitchen.

“Mm, yeah, I know.”

“You... know?” He pauses in the door, surprised and looking back despite himself.

“Yes. I’m usually up and done with my bath by the time you come back.”

“Oh. Yeah, okay. That explains why– yeah.” Rin clears his throat nervously, his eyes having strayed dangerously again, and continues on his way, quickly pulling his shoes on and tying them in a rush.

“Be back in a bit, see you!” he practically bolts out the front door, not even waiting for a reply.

It really does explain why Rin never noticed that Haru takes his morning bath in a swimsuit, or that he even owns one, if he was never around to see this particular eccentricity. Or is it not just his morning bath, and he always does this? Regardless, the thoughts are definitely not helping him focus, and he really does feel like he _needs_ a solid workout right now with the sudden and almost unfamiliar burst of energy coursing through his body that’s demanding an outlet of some sort.

 

It’s not until he subconsciously starts debating with himself whether he should start leaving earlier – or waiting until Haru is out of the bath, _on purpose –_ that the realisation begins to truly, slowly sink in.

 

"Shit.” he whispers to himself, freezing in place in the middle of one of his pre-run stretching routines.

 

“ _Shiiit_...” he groans, running a hand down his face.

 

His earlier musings, about this vacation being “easy”...

Probably not the case, anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [ashanizer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ashanizer/profile/)/[dokidoki-love](http://dokidoki-love.tumblr.com/) for the beta~~


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delayed update, everyone. My wrists have been in a world of pain recently, and it's been making it a little difficult to type. We should be back on track now! Edit 11.03 - apologies everyone, I managed to get really sick (nasty bronchitis) and my wrists are not giving me any relief either :( Sorry to say updates will be delayed for a while :(

The next day, Rin leaves the house even earlier than before, determined to be done with his run long before Haru is awake. 

It’s been hard enough to act ‘normal’ after his realisation that he’s not as indifferent to his host as he’d like to pretend he is, and he really doesn’t need any more visual reminders of the fact. He would like to believe that some two decades of locker room desensitisation were enough to make him completely immune to reacting to seeing someone half naked and wearing a swimsuit - even someone as undeniably attractive as Nanase Haruka. However, apparently that doesn’t work outside of the pool... Not the best way to find out, in all honesty. And Rin really wants to avoid making things even more awkward at this point. 

He might be a little paranoid, but he swears Haru has been quietly glancing at him much more frequently all day after the morning incident and - worst of all, more often than not - catching Rin already looking at him. It’s not like he can help it, Haru has been painting again, and the movements of his hands are truly hypnotic and soothing. Or at least that’s what he tries telling himself, but he was not doing a great job at being even remotely convincing this is the reason why he keeps getting distracted from his continued battle with the backlog of ignored letters and emails. 

Stuck in his thoughts and not paying attention to where he’s going, Rin doesn’t notice that his jog strayed into a somewhat unfamiliar road, and while it doesn’t worry him because Iwatobi isn’t too difficult to navigate, it does make finding his way back a little tricky. He manages to keep the pace, though, knowing he will have nobody to blame but himself if his muscles protest the overexertion later. He has to slow down when he finally reaches the long series of concrete staircases and is a little disgusted with the way he needs to heavily sit down just before the landing in front of Haru’s house. He really has been slacking off too much recently, if just this is enough to render him utterly breathless. 

When glancing at his clock to check his timing and pedometer stats, Rin’s breath hitches a little bit, and it has nothing to do with exhaustion this time. It took him way too long to find his bearings after getting accidentally lost, and now it’s way past the time he intended to be back. If he doesn’t hurry, at this rate he’ll probably not be able to avoid Haru’s morning ‘routine’, if there even is such a thing. 

Standing up quickly, he takes a few steadying breaths, if only to not be gasping for air like a fish out of water, and slides the front door open as quietly as possible – 

– only to walk right into the sight of a sopping wet Haru making his way out of the bathroom, just about ready to turn onto the stairs. 

The swimsuit and stray droplets of water are bad enough. 

The entirely too _cute_ gray towel with white polka dots he’s rubbing his hair with _really_ isn’t helping either. 

And the small flash of a smile, which actually reaches Haru’s eyes, and the soft “good morning” feel like Rin had just been slapped in the face with a fish. (Probably a mackerel, knowing his luck.) 

He’s not entirely conscious of what he’s doing, all of a sudden it’s way too difficult to manage even the simple task of getting his running shoes untied without falling over, and he thinks he probably said _something_ in reply, but wouldn’t be able to claim if it was at all coherent. It probably wasn’t, because by the time he manages to finally sluggishly slip out of his shoes and straighten up, Haru is still there, and looking at him with an expression stuck somewhere between worry and confusion. 

“Rin? Are you okay?” he asks, the tiniest of begrudging concern frowns between his eyebrows, and it shouldn’t make Rin feel this inexplicably happy all of a sudden that Haru cares enough to ask, but it does, and he even manages a small smile of his own. 

“Yeah... I’m just tired. I think I pushed myself too hard today. I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up running too long to get back.” 

The frown on Haru’s face deepens significantly, and the guilty, involuntary mental wince at the realisation that he was the one to put that expression on his face is enough for Rin to backpedal immediately, too used to keeping up a facade for other people’s benefit. Before he has the opportunity to laugh it all off, though, Haru speaks again. 

“Should I go running with you tomorrow?” 

“Huh? What? Why?” he chokes out incredulously. Trust Haru to throw him for a loop, though he supposes he should really start getting used to that. 

“I figure it might be better than letting you keep getting lost, and then looking like you’re about to pass out.” 

The utterly deadpan tone and completely blank expression are more than enough to wipe any traces of guilt from Rin’s mind, his hackles raising immediately. 

“I _do not_ look like I’m about to pass out!” 

“But you’re not denying the ‘getting lost’ part.” 

“I’m not going to get lost, damnit! I just... got distracted! It won’t happen again!” 

Haru tilts his head at that, raising an eyebrow and letting the towel slip from his head and down onto his neck, and Rin can tell he’s not buying it. He’d probably continue arguing his point, if it wasn’t for the momentary flash of a smirk and the way Haru raises his chin up a little, like he’s baiting him on purpose. Rin narrows his eyes. 

“...Jerk.” he bites out without any real venom and sighs, moving past Haru to walk into the kitchen, intending to pour out the remains of the now tepid liquid out of his water bottle and rinse it out. 

“I meant it, though. I could come with you. ...If you wanted.” Rin wasn’t expecting Haru to follow him, and almost jumps, despite the surprisingly timid tone. 

“That depends. Do you go jogging in your swimsuit too? Or is that just for baths?” he shoots Haru a grin that looks considerably cockier than he feels right now. Honestly, the last thing he needs is to draw attention to the one thing he already can barely restrain himself from stealing glances at... 

“Why do you bathe in a swimsuit anyway?” he can’t help but ask despite himself in genuine morbid curiosity before Haru has had the chance to respond to his previous taunts. 

“I like the way it feels.” Haru responds simply. Rin frowns incredulously as he turns the tap off and sets his bottle upside down to dry. 

“Why not just... you know... go swim?” If he hadn’t turned around then, Rin might have missed the way Haru turns his head to the side with a scoff and decidedly upset expression. It takes him a moment to force the words out too. 

“The pool is under extended maintenance. They’re renovating.” he grits out with barely restrained irritation. 

“Hm... I guess it is already too cold to swim in the ocean, too.” Haru reluctantly nods at that and silence falls between them. Sure, Rin can understand not being able to swim when wanting to. Understand it a little _too well_ , in fact, especially _now_ ... But to go as far as bathing in a swimsuit? Wait... it’s not the same swimsuit as the day before?... He opens his mouth to say something, but Haru beats him to it, bluntly. 

“Rin... You’re staring.” 

Rin’s head snaps up, only then realising exactly _where_ he’s been staring, frowning in concentration as if he was trying to memorise the shape of Haru’s thighs. He wills himself not to flush a bright crimson, and just barely manages it. 

“Geh! Sorry! I just...! Y-your swimsuit...” he chokes out barely coherently. 

“What about it?” Haru murmurs defensively, his fingers clenched tightly on the towel hanging around his neck. 

“Just... It’s different, isn’t it? Than the one you had on yesterday.” 

Whatever reaction Rin may have been expecting to that, it wasn’t even remotely close to seeing Haru’s hands slip from their grip on the towel and drop limply to his sides, his eyebrows shooting up high and mouth parting in shock. He looks like he wants to say something a few times, and Rin silently lets him work it out, needing a moment to process the disproportionate reaction, too. 

“You... noticed.” Haru finally states softly, with a certain measure of disbelief colouring his tone. 

“Yeah? ...Why are you so shocked?” 

“It’s just that...” Haru frowns momentarily and continues in a somewhat petulant tone. “My friends always said all my swimsuits are the same.” 

Rin blinks and can’t help but screw his face up in something between disgust and incredulity. 

“But... they’re not? Graphic design aside, even within the same brand you’ll have differences.” 

It’s all Rin can do not to whimper when Haru’s eyes positively _light up_ , his whole face looking more animated than the sum of Haru’s expressions that Rin has seen so far. It’s such a good look on him that Rin silently almost vows to talk about swimsuits forever if it would mean he’ll get to see this side of Haru more often. 

“They fit differently.” Haru nods vigorously, pure excitement radiating from his entire posture as he takes a tiny step towards Rin, who seems to be struggling with getting even a single word out. 

“Y-yeah. There are different lengths, and cuts, and tightness...” he swallows thickly as Haru firmly nods again, desperately trying not to look down and not let his thoughts stray to attempt comparing that last criterion with the swimsuit Haru wore the previous day, the details of which apparently didn’t escape him as much as he’d like. 

The moment feels pleasantly charged while they stare at each other in silence, neither seeming overly eager to break it or do anything about it. Just then, in a flash of peculiar reverse deja vu, Haru’s stomach gives an audible rumble and he frowns, displeased. Rin can’t help but chuckle, relieved that at least this time he didn’t make a complete fool out of himself. Barely a second later though he has to suppress the groan threatening to spill from his mouth when Haru immediately turns towards the stove, already reaching for his apron. 

“Oh for– ...At least put on a shirt or something?!” Rin grits out, running a hand down his face. Haru pauses and looks back with a scowl. A tense moment passes as they glare at each other and finally Haru sighs, his shoulders slumping a bit. 

“Fine.” he grumbles, giving Rin a look that speaks volumes of what an _immense sacrifice_ he’s making, and walks out of the kitchen, prompting Rin to follow him, since he needs to get a change of clothes and take a shower anyway. He only becomes aware of his mistake when they both reach the stairs, and Haru starts climbing them in front of him. He desperately tries not to look, but shifting focus from Haru’s hypnotically flexing swimsuit-clad thighs and shapely ass is proving almost impossible. The material is still damp and leaves barely anything to the imagination, not that Rin’s mind wouldn’t have a field day with it even if it did. It will already be even more difficult not to spend the rest of the day getting distracted. 

The moment they reach the top of the stairs, Rin tries to makes a hasty retreat to ‘his’ room, determined not to take even one more glance at Haru’s... assets. His plans are quickly almost shoved down the drain as Haru calls out to him just before he enters his own room. The herculean effort Rin makes to look at his face, and no lower, should probably be rewarded in some way. 

“Rin? Do you want breakfast too?” 

“Um... maybe? I was going to make my own, but if you want to make me something, sure. I’m just gonna take a quick shower first.” 

“Okay.” Haru says simply and steps into his room, sliding the door behind him and leaving Rin with a final involuntary glance at his way-too-attractive body, and beginning to ponder whether being here isn’t starting to be more in the realm of ‘punishment’ than ‘retreat’. 

 

Not even half an hour later he continues to skew more towards the former while typing out a tweet to accompany the photo he took of the meal: “Mackerel. _Again_ . How much fish can one person eat?!”. In the past few days, he’s eaten it no less than five times, with very little variation to how it’s prepared. Admittedly, it’s rather tasty fish, but Rin’s slowly beginning to understand that the somewhat confusing text he received from Makoto just after he left for Tokyo, “I really hope you like mackerel...”, was meant as a warning of sorts. Rin can’t help his eyebrow twitching as he stares at his plate. 

It doesn’t help that while Haru thankfully changed into proper clothes before he came downstairs again, the t-shirt he’s wearing is just plain ridiculous. It’s hard to tell what the weird cartoon-ish marine _creature_ printed on it even _is_ , but it’s got way too many sharp teeth and is way... too... _cute_ . He knows it’s definitely not the _thing’s_ fault, though, it’s probably _Haru_ that seems cute for wearing something so bizarre, and it makes it all somehow even more irritating. Not having an outlet for his aggravation Rin just keeps glaring at his plate, trying to untangle the mass of thoughts revolving around mackerel and stupid toothy fish-creatures. Unfortunately, Haru picks exactly that moment to be perceptive. 

“If you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it,” he snaps, visibly agitated, offended almost. Rin figures it’s his own fault for looking less than enthused about the meal. He runs a hand down his face with a groan. 

“I don’t _not_ like it! You’re a pretty good cook. I just...” he groans again. “Do you ever eat anything that _isn’t_ mackerel?” 

“I _like_ mackerel.” Haru states simply, resuming stoically eating his own food in small bites. Rin sighs deeply and picks up his own chopsticks, too hungry to be grumpy for long and not one to be ungrateful - he’s a guest after all. He still attempts to nudge the subject some more, though. 

“Sure, but don’t you ever get bored of it? You need more variety, you barely eat any vegetables. And meat! You need more protein!” 

“Why would I get bored eating food I like? And mackerel is very rich in omega-3 acids and is a fairly good source of protein to begin with.” 

“Well, _I’m_ going to get bored if all you ever make is mackerel!” Rin almost whines. So much for not being ungrateful... 

“If you want to eat something else, you can cook it yourself.” 

“You know what, maybe I will! I’ll go and get groceries later because you definitely don’t have a decent stock, and I’ll cook something even you will enjoy! The best meat-based meal you’ve ever had!” Rin grins across the table, the self-perceived challenge lighting a spark of excitement in him. 

“Hmmh.” is all Haru offers to that, but it doesn’t discourage Rin in the slightest. In fact, it fires him up even more, fills him with determination to make good on his boastful statement. 

Of course, he should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. Nothing ever is for him, nowadays... 

 

Late that afternoon, after making some good progress on his paperwork and finally deciding he’d had enough for one day, Rin decides to take a trip to the grocery store after dropping off some letters in a nearby mailbox. It takes him barely half an hour to be back, though, not sure whether he got everything he wanted, since he kind of rushed his shopping. He sits down on the step just inside the entryway, the plastic bags filled with food abandoned on the floor next to him. He honestly means only to sit down for a second and gather his wits about him enough to be able to at least go and put the groceries away, but he ends up slumping forward, head between his knees and fingers almost painfully clenched in his hair. 

He’s not quite sure how long he stays that way, but it must be long enough to rouse Haru’s attention. He had to have heard him come inside, but not do anything else beyond that. The soft footsteps come closer and halt just past the threshold of the living room, and Rin spares a passing thought to how he must look right now. He really wants to move, to get up and not cause Haru any worry, but he’s just too _tired_ to care anymore, not feeling up to pretending, just this once. 

“Rin? What happened?” Haru asks softly, and Rin can’t help but be grateful that the question isn’t along the lines of ‘what’s wrong’ because the only honest answer to that would have been ‘everything’. He lets go of his hair and raises his head just high enough to be able to speak. 

“Haru, you–“ he has to clear his throat and try again because his voice comes out hoarse and barely audible. “You... know _who I am_ ... Right?” he turns his head to the side so that he can see Haru’s response even if he doesn’t speak. Haru nods shortly. 

“Makoto told me,” he adds, and Rin almost, _almost_ cracks a smile at that. Trust Haru to be isolated enough to manage to avoid knowing about Rin what everyone and their mother seem to. 

“And what did he tell you?” 

“Just the basics he thought I needed to know. I didn’t ask for more.” Haru shrugs, unconcerned. In any other circumstances, Rin would balk more at Haru just accepting a stranger into his house without knowing more about them than ‘just the basics’. Then again, Rin hadn’t asked almost any questions about Haru either, relying on his gut instinct and trusting Makoto instead. 

“And you took a complete stranger into your home, without knowing anything about me?” 

“Makoto’s parents and siblings live just across the path. He could have set you up with them. But he asked me instead. Makoto doesn’t ask for big favors like that. Not if it isn’t very important.” 

It’s the simplicity of that statement, and the implicit trust Haru has in Makoto’s judgment of Rin that causes something to do a disconcerting, unpleasant wriggle somewhere in his chest. For the first time in who knows how long he feels like he might actually cry, not just because Makoto thought his well-being important enough to inconvenience his best friend - but also because Haru went along with it. Before he manages to address any of that, though, Haru speaks again, softly. 

“You still haven’t answered me, Rin. What happened?...” 

Rin swallows thickly and, not for the first time, feels like he’s being stupid about the entire thing. 

“I was recognised...” he mumbles, purposefully looking away from Haru. “Got asked some... intensely awkward and difficult questions. Exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid by coming here, heh...” 

The only reply from Haru at that is a slightly tense and worried “Ah...”, which Rin is quick to wave off. 

“Don’t worry. I doubt anything will come of it. But, in the unlikely case the media vultures find me here, I’ll make myself scarce immediately.” he gets to his feet with some effort, picking up the discarded bags from the floor. 

“Rin, that’s _not_ why I’m–“ Haru tries to say, but Rin cuts him off. 

“It’s okay, I promise you won’t be inconvenienced by this more than you already have,” he passes the grocery supplies to Haru, waiting until he takes them. “Sorry... I’m not up to cooking for you today after all... Not hungry either. I’m going to turn in early,” he turns and makes his way upstairs, ignoring Haru saying his name, only throwing back a soft ‘goodnight’ from the top of the stairs and not turning around. 

 

Despite his relative exhaustion, or perhaps because of the early hour, it takes a very long time before Rin is able to silence the overwhelming _noise_ in his head. It isn’t before he hears Haru come upstairs and turn in for the night as well some time later that the combined agitation and stirred up bad memories finally die down enough for the momentary respite to pull him under and let him sleep. 

He isn’t the least bit surprised when he sits bolt upright in the middle of the night, a sheen of cold sweat covering his body and the cloying tendrils of lingering dread threatening to continue tormenting him even while he’s awake. 

He should have known there was only so long he could go without having to deal with the nightmares again… 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks to [ashanizer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ashanizer/profile/)/[dokidoki-love](http://dokidoki-love.tumblr.com/) for the beta read!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am alive! Illness finally cleared up, wrist pain subsided too, we're properly back in business. Please accept this longer (and sappy as hell) chapter as an apology for the delay D: !

It feels like being stuck going down on one of the spiral slides in a water park, not knowing when it ends and dreading hitting the water without being able to suck in a breath in time before going under the surface.

Okay, maybe he’s being a bit too dramatic, but there is no other equivalent description Rin could attach to the anxious anticipation constantly hanging over his head of something about to go horribly wrong for him again. Not that it’s been all sunshine and butterflies otherwise, what with his nightmares only getting worse each night. Yes, he expected them to start up all over again, but the intensity steadily ramping up keeps getting to him much faster than he thought possible. It’s exhausting and is already wearing him down, both mentally and physically, and not getting enough undisturbed sleep really isn’t helping matters.

He’s beginning to think the peace and quiet of Haru's house are backfiring on him in some way, now that Rin finally has the time to seriously sit down and try to unravel all the mess, both inside his head and out of it. And he’s not above admitting being both a little ashamed and grateful that Haru seems to have noticed the near constant silence wasn’t doing him any favors. Because in a completely unexpected turn of events, Haru starts breaking the routine they fell into - out of his own volition - ever since Rin was recognised out in town.

 

It begins the very next day with Haru coming downstairs just moments after Rin gets up, dressed in a dark navy tracksuit with blue accents that Rin needs to do a subtle double-take at because it’s seriously unfair for anyone to look _that_ good in comfortable workout clothes. He doesn’t even have the time to consider the implications of Haru’s outfit before he bluntly states that he is going running with Rin, his tone not allowing complaints or refusal. Of course, the tiny jab that follows, sporting the implication that Rin would just get lost again without him, instantly sparks a haughty but short-lived exchange of sniping at each other.

Although, as usual, there is no real animosity there, just an almost playful air of both of them being a pain solely for the sake of riling each other up. Pure relief floods him, clearing the lingering discomfort Rin felt at making a bit of a spectacle of himself the previous day. He was more than a little worried Haru might change his attitude towards him like most other people have once they realised he wasn’t exactly ‘stable’ nowadays, handling him almost like fragile, breakable china whenever he displayed any sort of vulnerability or distress. It feels really good to know Haru doesn’t think any less of him and doesn’t seem to treat him any differently.

And it feels even better when after a pre-run stretch they almost instantly fall into step with one another, Haru subtly leading the way at a measured pace following slightly more remote roads, eventually having them make their way back up a path with a view of the ocean. It feels like something they might have been doing together for years, familiar and comfortable, the rhythm of their feet hitting the pavement and breaths synchronised without trying. It’s easy for Rin to lose himself in the feeling with Haru equally relaxed next to him, their shoulders brushing occasionally when either one of them shifts a little too close but neither minding it.

By the time they’re back, Rin feels far less tense and more like _himself_ than he has in several months. He stops for a moment inside the entryway, savoring the feeling of the brief respite from constant worry and anxiety. His momentary lapse in vigilance costs him, though, as Haru takes note of his distraction and quickly makes a beeline towards the bathroom, claiming the first shower and leaving Rin groaning in the hall, already anticipating a long wait for his turn in sweat-damp misery.

  
He doesn’t even for a minute stop to consider that Haru’s surprises may not be over yet, and is therefore almost floored with astonishment when by the time he’s dried off and changed into fresh clothes, the breakfast that’s waiting for him on the table is shockingly western: a sizeable portion of perfectly spiced savory scrambled eggs with tomatoes and chives, a few strips of crispy bacon on the side, and toast just the right side of burnt. Haru’s breakfast, predictably, is mackerel again, but just the fact he went out of his way to make something different for Rin gives him a funny tickling feeling somewhere below his sternum. He resolutely and swiftly assigns it solely to being hungry after the workout, all the while snapping a photo and composing a post to his social media accounts with a lot of exclamation and question marks underlining his surprise at the sudden menu change.

He’s even more amused when he gets a similarly phrased and excited text from Makoto a few minutes later, also questioning the fact Haru cooked something that wasn’t fish out of his own volition and stating that he wouldn’t have believed it if Rin hadn’t already provided photographic evidence. In a rare stroke of wisdom, Rin refrains from mentioning their bewildered text exchange to Haru. He’d like to eat things that aren’t fish more often, and doesn’t think making Haru feel like he’s being made fun of would help achieve that.

The surprises don’t end there either, though, because Haru doesn’t immediately retreat to his studio after breakfast, lingering in the living room for a while, continuing to read some magazine even after Rin finishes doing the dishes, occasionally twitching a small smile in Rin’s direction whenever he catches him staring, which is more often than Rin would like to admit but Haru makes no comment about it. When he eventually returns to his work he does so almost reluctantly and keeps the sliding doors to the studio wide open. He also takes much more frequent breaks on top of it, every so often making a cup of tea for them both and even attempting idle conversations about everything and nothing at all.

The sudden change in attitude leaves Rin more than a little confused, but if Haru notices his dazed expressions, he doesn’t point them out. He feels so much better now with Haru acting this way, not so isolated and no longer left to struggle alone with the steadily dwindling pile of emails, letters and messages he’s been trying to get through. Not that it was ever Haru’s responsibility to keep him company to begin with, but it’s nice to simply be in the same room with him for a change, even exchanging a couple words once in a while is more than he hoped for. And if it were possible, Rin would kick his own ass for that excessively sappy trail of thought.

 

Unfortunately, while the days get a little easier, the nights don’t give him any respite. If anything, the nightmares become worse, feeding on all the things he’s been trying to suppress for months and mercilessly dragging them out into the dreary landscape of his dreams, twisting them into even worse iterations than he tends to masochistically mull over in his waking hours.

The “new” routine does give Rin a little more structure and solid ground to stand on again, luckily; perhaps that’s why he manages to quietly cope with the night terrors for as long as he does.

He goes running with Haru every morning and they spend a little more time together. Rin even starts to help out more with bigger chores around the house without being asked to, just to have the pretext to hang out. Haru talks a little more with each day, asks more questions about Rin too, but never about the 'important things' - somehow, he instinctively knows what topics to avoid and the unspoken arrangement works out for the both of them.

Or, it would, if Rin’s growing exhaustion didn’t steadily become more and more obvious.

  
It takes a few more days of tossing and turning, dragging himself out of one nightmare only to fall right back into another, to wear him down entirely. By the time he sits bolt upright for the third time in the same night, Rin gives up on the idea of deep sleep altogether, resigning himself to a light doze that isn’t even remotely restful. It feels like barely five minutes later when the shrill sound of his alarm makes him flinch and sit up slowly with a groan.

The moment he shuts off the sound and attempts to stand up, his legs refuse to carry him and he stumbles dizzily. It quickly becomes obvious that there will be no running that morning - it’s simply not wise to even try. He’s not quite sure how he manages to get downstairs and communicate to Haru that he doesn’t feel well enough to go jogging, but it’s done, and at least he’s able to catch a few more hours of light sleep before the sunlight falling across his face is too much of a nuisance not to get up.

The rest of the overly bright day is a dull affair, with Rin too tired to really pay attention to what he’s doing and spacing out completely every few minutes, badly enough for Haru to stop trying to engage him in conversation. A while later, however, even in his current state, he’s alert enough to tell that the loud groan that just came from Haru’s studio is highly outside of the norm.

Blinking in confusion, he turns towards the sound, trying to peek around the half-closed door and figure out whether anything bad had happened. Hearing nothing more he wonders whether he hadn’t imagined it, but a muffled thud rouses his suspicion and worry all over again.

“Haru? You okay?” Rin calls out, tiredly getting to his feet and making his way to the door. The cranky-sounding “no” he gets in response doesn’t make him any less worried, though the sight he comes upon is just bizarre enough to, ironically, set him at ease.

Haru is lying on his back on the floor, arms splayed wide as far as they can go with scattered pieces of paper littering the ground all around him - sketches in various stages of completion, some viciously crossed out multiple times. One of the pages is balanced on his nose and covering his eyes, blocking the rest of the world out. Rin is glad for that because he can’t help the momentary fond smile that slips onto his face as he comes in to squat next to Haru.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, hoping he doesn’t sound as amused as he feels.

“Artblock,” Haru grumbles clearly irritated and distraught, the paper on his face vibrating from the word but not slipping off. Rin takes the initiative to remove it himself and gets a glare for his efforts, though he knows it’s not really directed at him - just a general scowl.

“Artblock? You? Unbelievable,” he can’t help but chuckle. Of course, he immediately realises that wasn’t the greatest or nicest thing to say when Haru gives him a brief but genuinely angry look this time and covers his face again with his arm. Rin cringes and rubs the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Ah, crap... I’m sorry, Haru. That was rude... And I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. What are you stuck on?”

Haru sighs heavily and shakes his head at the apology, the arm flopping away from his face to the floor with a dull thud. He tilts his head back to look at Rin more easily and scowls.

“I’m supposed to paint a portrait commission. I can’t get anything to look right. There’s too much empty space, and the colours don’t look right, no matter what I do,” he makes a weak gesture as he speaks, and one of the pages half-stuck under his arm crinkles with the movement. Rin takes a glance at the sketch (a highly detailed mackerel, go figure) and shifts his eyes to the page he’s holding instead. It’s about as far from a drawing of a person as it can get. He can’t even tell what it’s supposed to be; some sort of bird perhaps?...

“Umm, I know I can’t even draw stick figures, but these don’t look like portraits to me.” Predictably, Haru rolls his eyes at that.

“I’m trying to mess around with doodling other things to– I don’t even know, get un-stuck by not overthinking everything about it?” Rin wisely refrains from commenting on the fact Haru’s ‘doodles’ would be classified as ‘art’ by anyone else. Haru gestures in the direction of the depressingly empty white canvas standing on the easel in the corner with another frustrated sigh and Rin gets to his feet to go take a look.

He’ll be the first one to admit that he doesn’t know much about art, but he guesses the sheets of paper covered in various splotches of colour pinned next to a few varying sketches of the photo on a nearby corkboard are probably sample palettes. There’s enough of them to show Haru’s mounting frustration at not being able to get it to look the way he’d like.

And he can’t blame Haru, honestly. He supposes the girl in the photo is what one would call ‘classically beautiful’ but the picture is black and white, she’s wearing no jewelry and the only visible clothing is a simple white blouse. Sure, it would leave a lot of room for the creativity and imagination of the artist, but it’s so bland Rin can see why Haru would be struggling in trying to make it look good while still remaining within the bounds of a ‘formal’ portrait.

“I have other photos for reference, but they didn’t help much.” Haru grumbles from the floor. Rin tries to find anything at all of interest to focus on, but that’s all there is, just the plain girl, nothing remarkable about her coming to mind. Except one thing...

“She looks... innocent.” he says rubbing the back of his head and frowning as if the thought surprises him.

“Innocent?” Haru parrots curiously.

“Yeah... You know the stupid stereotype of a ‘pure and good girl’? Kind of like that... Innocent.” he shrugs, the weirdness of the thought catching up to him. Haru, however, first sits up and then joins him at the canvas a moment later, tilting his head as if it was something he hadn’t noticed. He looks like he’s seriously thinking about it and Rin figures it wasn’t a stupid suggestion after all if it gave Haru some sort of new angle to consider.

“Have you tried flowers?” in a rare burst of courage, he blurts out the first dumb thing that comes to mind. Haru glances at him and raises his eyebrows, saying nothing but seemingly expecting him to elaborate.

“Well, you know, I just thought, the language of flowers and–“ he’s rambling without any sort of coherency, he knows, so he just cuts himself off and mumbles a weak ‘wait a second’ and walks off to bring his laptop over from the living room. He comes back a moment later, setting it on a low side table and pulling up a search engine as Haru joins him. In just a few clicks he has the website on Hanakotoba on the screen and begins scrolling to find what he needs.

“You know how flowers have assigned meanings, depending on what you want to do with them, and you can seriously offend somebody by accident if you send them the wrong bouquet?”

“It sounds like you’re speaking from personal experience.” Haru quips.

“Ugh, no, thankfully that hasn’t happened to me. I just... erm. I read about it somewhere, once. A guy sent the wrong kind of flowers to the girl he liked, and it created all sorts of misunderstandings and problems for a while.”

“And where would you read about something like that?” Haru leans in closer and raises an eyebrow at him. He’s close enough for Rin to want to lean away a little under the intense stare, but he holds his ground.

“It was a man– ...magazine! I read about it in a magazine!”

“A man-magazine?” Haru presses, the corners of his lips twitching like he knows Rin is bluffing, which he absolutely is and Haru obviously knows it, too. Rin has always been a terrible liar. He sighs heavily and covers his face with his hand, losing the battle against the blush threatening to bloom on his cheekbones.

“Fine, it was my sister’s manga, alright?! Happy?!” He grits out.

“You read shoujo manga?”

“It was the only thing she read! You got a problem with that?!”

“No. What about the flowers?” Haru states softly without any judgment and nods his head at the laptop. The casual acceptance and zero jokes about Rin being ‘girly’ are just as surprising as they are welcome. It takes a few beats for Rin to collect himself from the whiplash, but he supposes he’s long overdue for starting to get used to Haru’s unconventional behavior and opinions.

“Right. Um. Yeah. I thought the girl in the photo looked innocent, so... How about white roses?” he finally manages to find the entry he was looking for, describing the significance of the various colours of roses, the white ones standing for ‘innocence’, among other things. Haru focuses on the pictures of the flowers and keeps glancing between the photo of the girl and the screen. Rin opens another browser window where he quickly types up an image search solely for pictures of white roses and Haru shoots him a small smile in thanks.

Though the subsequent frown on Haru’s face normally would probably mean nothing good but after a few silent minutes, in which Rin is left to unrepentantly stare at Haru’s fleeting expressions, he finally nods slowly.

“That... could work. I think. I’m going to try.”

“Good. I’m glad I, uh, could help? Or give you something to work with, at least.”

“Thank you, Rin.” Haru nods at him with a smile that makes something in his chest do another one of those disconcerting squeezes that he should really start getting under control. When he tries to get up and take the laptop back with him to the living room, though, Haru stops him, pointing at the screen.

“Wait, I still need the reference.” Rin rolls his eyes with a wry grin and dramatically puts a hand on his chest.

“You wound me, Haru! You only want me for my laptop!” He wails. To his surprise, Haru flinches and if Rin didn’t know better he would say he even seems embarrassed as he looks off to the side and avoids eye contact.

“You can stay too...” he murmurs barely audibly, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt and quickly turning around to replace the photo on the corkboard and remove the now obsolete paint swatches. Rin would even say he’s trying to look busy on purpose, unnecessarily sorting things and straightening the sketches pinned to the board. From the brief glimpses of Haru’s profile, Rin could swear that there seems to be a little bit more colour in his cheeks, but he quickly shakes himself out of it. It simply must be a trick of the light or something.

“Well, since you asked so nicely...” he sighs out in amusement and sits down, idly scrolling through the hanakotoba page for a lack of focus or better things to do and switching back to the image search again whenever Haru comes over. Eventually, he just opts for leaving the page open and observing Haru instead, now that he’s in his studio and can focus on watching him work without needing excuses to do it. It’s even more mesmerising and relaxing up close and it’s no wonder that the exhaustion catches up to him again quickly and he dozes off, no matter how much he wants to try and keep his eyes open.

  
“Rin? ...Rin, wake up.” Haru’s voice almost right next to his ear startles him and Rin looks up to see Haru’s face much closer than he expected, jerking upright with a small noise of surprise.

“Wh... what?” he groans, confused and dazed, glancing at Haru’s hand suspended in mid-air between them. He thinks he vaguely recalls the feeling of that hand on his shoulder. Haru sighs softly and squats down next to him.

“You fell asleep on the table, hunched over.” Rin blinks and glances at his laptop, which apparently sat idle long enough that the screen turned itself off for power-saving. A quick look at the clock and the uncomfortable tension in his back and neck tell him he must have napped like that for at least an hour. Any longer and he really would have regretted it. He murmurs an embarrassed ‘thank you’ to Haru for waking him and means it, as he doesn’t think he’d enjoy dealing with pulled muscles on top of everything else.

“Did you manage to ‘unblock’ yourself with the painting?” he asks blearily, slowly stretching and trying to shake off the lingering drowsiness.

“Yeah, I think so.” Haru smiles softly. “Never thought I’d find inspiration in a shoujo manga scenario, though.”

“Oh shut up... If it worked, that’s all that matters.” Haru simply nods to that, but frowns after a moment’s thought, taking in the shadows that undoubtedly made their appearance under Rin’s eyes again and adding that up to his gradually increasing tiredness and distraction. Rin already knows what’s coming next and snaps out a reply even before Haru can open his mouth.

“ _I’m fine_!” he immediately recoils from the sound of his own voice as Haru flinches minutely. He didn’t mean for it to come out so harsh. He looks away and mumbles an apology.

“I was going to say, perhaps you should go to bed already. You haven’t been sleeping well.” Haru states.

It’s not a question and Rin doesn’t know if he should be touched or worried that Haru noticed, though he’d like to delude himself for a little longer that he was hiding his growing unrest pretty well, all things considered. And he doesn’t know how to explain to Haru that trying to sleep more will not help him. That the earlier he goes to bed ‘properly’, the longer he’ll have to deal with the nightmares... But Haru does have a point, his eyes are already closing on their own and his head is heavy again in a way that has nothing to do with his mental state for once.

“I guess I’ll try that... We’ll see how it works.”

Probably not great... But Haru doesn’t need to know that.

 

It definitely doesn’t go well. Of course, that was to be expected. But the viciousness with which Rin drowns in gut-wrenching fears in his dreams that night is the worst yet, causing him to almost jump out of bed when he finally manages to wake up. He tries slowing his breathing but it’s hard to inhale steadily and swallow around the heavy overly quick heartbeat he can feel violently thumping in his throat and chest with lingering terror. His sleep clothes are almost completely soaked through with sweat and the air in the room feels muggy and too hot to breathe.

He flips his pillow around dry side up and weakly crawls out of bed, all of his limbs still trembling softly. Moving sluggishly in the dark, he manages to find a fresh pair of sweatpants and a clean tank-top and changes quickly, not wanting to add sweaty clothes to his already considerable discomfort. On his way back to bed, he cracks the window open and takes a moment to breathe in the cool ocean air, clearing his head a little.

Just as he sits down cross-legged on top of the covers, not yet ready to try and decide whether making another attempt at sleep would be a good idea, there’s a soft knock on the door. His head snaps up and it’s all he can do to choke back an involuntary dry sob because it just figures that it’s this night out of all of them that he probably woke Haru up with his shit. He knows pretending to be asleep is futile, Haru must have heard him walking around, so he swallows thickly and rasps out a “Yeah?”, trying to not sound as bad as he feels and probably not succeeding.

“May I come in?” Haru asks through the door softly and only slides the door open after Rin responds with another weak ‘yeah’. The next thing he knows, Haru is leaning over the bed and he’s being handed a slightly damp and cool washcloth. Rin tries hard not to let anything show, but his usual inhibitions about allowing anyone to see him weak must be at an all time low because his face crumples up and he hopes it’s dark enough that Haru can’t see it. He mumbles a weak but heartfelt thank you as he grabs the towel and it feels heavenly good when he slowly rubs it across his face, neck and arms, scrubbing away the remains of sweat wherever he can reach.

He lets the cloth hang off his head and cover most of his face and swallows thickly, about to look up and ask the question on his mind, when the bed dips under Haru’s weight and a bottle of water enters his limited field of vision. Another one of the annoying dry sobs lodges itself somewhere in Rin’s chest and he can barely whisper another thank you through his tight throat. The water is pleasantly chilled, condensation already forming under Rin’s fingers, which means Haru brought it up from the fridge. Rin can’t bring himself to look up anymore, too worried that he’ll crumble completely if he sees the concern that must be on Haru’s face right now.

“Did I wake you?” he manages to barely audibly mumble over the crackle of twisting the bottle cap open.

“No. I couldn’t sleep, I was getting a drink. I heard you sleep-talking... pleading with someone, I think. And then you cried out once and it stopped. You started walking around a moment later, so I brought you these...” Rin can’t see the movement clearly, but what Haru’s gesturing toward is obvious enough without it. He doesn’t know whether it was the first time Haru heard him or just the first time he did anything about it and he frowns, desperately trying to think of something else, anything at all that would allow him to try and not focus long enough to remember the things he might have been ‘pleading’ about in his dreams.

“You couldn’t sleep?”

“Yeah. Too keyed up over the stupid painting. It happens.” Haru shrugs and Rin finally manages to let the towel slide off his hair and look up. Before he gets to say anything else though, Haru speaks again, softly.

“Does this... happen often? The nightmares.”

Rin swallows again, the back of his throat feeling like dry sandpaper even with the relief of the cool water. He has to remind himself that Haru doesn’t know, that he probably wouldn’t judge him even if he did because even Rin has to admit some of his bullshit is exactly that - pure bullshit. And he’s just so _tired_... Of people not knowing, or worse - thinking they do know and implying he should have gotten over it already, or worse still, those who simply don’t even want to know and just expect everything to be the same regardless. Haru fits only one of those categories, and he has already given Rin more than he could have ever asked for, just by letting him have a break from the rest of the rabble. He doesn’t deserve being lied to.

And it’s with an almost nauseating lurch somewhere around his stomach that Rin realises he would even willingly _tell him_ \- if he asked. And he’s not sure which option he’s hoping for more.

“Yeah... Almost every night...” he nods and twists the bottle closed, just to have something to do with his hands and not have to look at Haru’s reaction. He feels the mattress shift as Haru stands up and leans over to remove the cold towel from his neck.

“That’s why you’ve been sleeping so badly.” Rin can’t find it in himself to confirm it but judging by Haru’s tone he doesn’t need him to.

“Is there... anything I can do?”

The question honestly takes Rin by surprise because, on one hand, what _could_ you even do about somebody else’s night terrors, and on the other, Haru cared enough to ask anyway. He doesn’t say anything for a long moment, eyes closed and uncomfortably itchy like he might cry if he opens them too soon.

Haru must take his silence as a ‘no’ because he exhales heavily and takes a small step away from the bed, turning to leave and beginning to say something that sounds like ‘try to’, but Rin is faster, almost lurching across the bed and wrapping his free hand around Haru’s wrist, tugging hard enough to make him turn back around.

The barely whispered word that makes it past his lips is as desperate with hope as it is terrified.

  
“ _Stay_...”

  
He doesn’t add anything else, allowing himself to hold onto Haru for just a moment longer and trembling softly as he looks into Haru’s wide, surprised eyes. If he thought his heart was beating hard before, it was nothing compared to now. He swallows thickly and lets Haru’s wrist limply slip from his grasp when no answer comes for a long moment. What was he thinking, well, of course, he wasn’t, and this was such a mistake to just blurt out something like that, Haru must think he meant it in some crudely lewd way and–

All the noise instantly ceases in his head when Haru quietly tosses the towel onto a nearby chair and gently taps Rin’s knee, motioning for him to scoot over.

  
The bed is more than big enough for them both, Rin thinks that it may have belonged to Haru’s parents when they still lived here and if he lets himself think about that - things just become even weirder. With every minute that passes he just feels a little more awkward and tense. How could he even for a moment have entertained the thought Haru’s presence, undeniably soothing in other circumstances, would help him relax now? He’s lying on his back, looking away from Haru, not daring to even glance at him because the last time he tried that he realised Haru apparently favors sleeping on his right side and is therefore facing him now and he can’t even tell if he’s asleep or just has his eyes closed.

Stuck in his frustrated thoughts, Rin almost jumps right out of his skin when he feels fingers wrap themselves around the hand he tensely fisted between them into the pillow. He hadn’t even realised just how hard he was gripping it until Haru did that. It is clearly too deliberate a move to be sleep-induced and Rin grits his teeth trying not to explode from the torrent of emotion that comes from such a simple thing as Haru holding his hand. But it doesn’t stop there.

Haru shifts minutely, pulling himself a little closer and getting more comfortable in being able to reach Rin’s tightly closed fist and begins gently caressing it with both of his hands. It’s both such an odd and yet so romantic a gesture it’s all Rin can do not to whimper. Despite everything, he can feel himself gradually unwinding as Haru’s fingers trace his own, rub soft circles into his knuckles and slowly peel his grip away from the pillow. He doesn’t pause there either, continuing to gently stretch his fingers out until he can twine their hands together and comfortably rest them on the pillow. Every time Rin so much as twitches after that - Haru rubs gentle lines and circles into his palm and wrist with his thumbs until he calms down again.

Rin thinks he might have a fever with how viciously hot his face feels but he takes the risk of slowly turning to look at Haru, only to find him looking back with a sleepy but relaxed expression. There’s the tiniest twitch of a smile on his lips when their eyes meet and Rin finds that he doesn’t want to look away anymore. He links their fingers a little more, savoring the little flicker of surprise that crosses Haru’s face before he settles back into looking content again.

It’s a gradual slide into sleepiness from then on. Haru’s slow, drowsy blinking and those little almost mindless caresses doing wonders to drain the remaining traces of tension and fear from Rin’s system. He wouldn't be himself though if he didn't spend some time bitterly thinking that it’s just ironic that Haru’s beautiful and slender artist’s hands which were simply made to create beauty would even bother with his, which are only good for destroying everything.

And then Haru finally crosses the border into sleep, his hands going slack in their grip around Rin’s and his mouth falling open a little as his face relaxes, making him look several years younger with the absence of his customary scowls and frowns.

  
Honestly, it’s rather hard to berate himself for stupid shit when the last thought lingering on Rin’s mind before he slips into unconsciousness is “ _Cute_...”.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter might be a little delayed too... I've been lighting the fuse on the Rin-bomb for a while now and it's gotta go off at some point... It's (arguably) the most important chapter in the entire fic and I want to make it as good as possible... BUT NO PRESSURE, RIGHT? *panics*
> 
> Once again, thanks to [ashanizer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ashanizer/profile/)/[dokidoki-love](http://dokidoki-love.tumblr.com/) for the beta!
> 
> Extra shoutout to my fellow "Feel Our Hearts" Crew friends; I've learned more about Hanakotoba (the language of flowers) during the course of the campaign thanks to you guys than I ever needed in life ;D
> 
> I credit the last scene of this chapter to [extraordinary](http://archiveofourown.org/users/extraordinary/profile/)/[matsuoka-lin](http://matsuoka-lin.tumblr.com/)'s influence. Any feels incurred on its behalf are 100% her fault :P


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I said "the next chapter will be delayed", I SWEAR I didn't mean "by over six months" Orz ... I'm so sorry. I'll be better, I promise.
> 
> As usual: huge thanks to [ashanizer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ashanizer/profile/)/[dokidoki-love](http://dokidoki-love.tumblr.com/) for the beta! You're a goddess!
> 
> Please observe that the chapter count has gone up~~ But... I miiiiight actually end up adding one more?... We shall see.  
> Enjoy in the meantime!

There have been times in Rin’s life when he thought things couldn’t possibly be any more awkward.

As he sits in his usual spot at the low table in Haru’s living room, he can’t help but be certain that he’s been woefully wrong _every single time_ before, because NOW, _now_ is absolutely the most embarrassed and awkward he’s _ever_ felt in his entire life.

It’s like the day after you get a bad sunburn, when everything is unpleasantly raw and hot, the skin getting ready to start peeling soon, and the relief is only very brief with the application of aloe gels and creams - except he feels that way right now in his _brain_. It’s the worst. He doesn’t even know what the equivalent of aloe vera for the brain would be - but he could really use some right now.

At least the fallout of his late night near-breakdown is in some ways proving to be exactly the way he expected, but the casually indifferent attitude of Haru’s towards it is slowly driving him completely mental all the same. He’s not sure if he should feel relieved or offended that sharing a bed with him didn’t seem to affect Haru almost at all. Especially when he himself can barely restrain the urge to bash his forehead against the nearest available hard surface every time he remembers both falling asleep and waking up next to Haru. ...It’s seriously unfair.

 

At first he was somewhat confused when he couldn’t feel his hand and then couldn’t move it either when he stirred awake, his groggy brain conjuring the panicked thought of _paralysis_ as the only possibility, but, no. It was “just” Haru, who somehow wrapped himself around his forearm during the night like a (cute) overgrown human-shaped koala, a considerable portion of his weight cutting off the circulation in Rin’s arm. The way Rin’s heartbeat accelerated at the sight definitely helped him wake up properly, and while he wanted to savour the opportunity to quietly stare at Haru’s cute sleeping face for a little while longer, the uncomfortably painful pins-and-needles feeling in his hand quickly dispelled the initial endearment.

He had of course tried removing his arm from Haru’s grip gently, hoping he wouldn’t have to wake him, but it wasn’t an easy task. The moment he got about halfway, Haru grunted softly, twitched in his sleep, and pulled himself in even closer, draping his arm around Rin’s abdomen instead, as if refusing to let Rin move away from him. It was through a truly heroic effort that Rin managed not to splutter or otherwise make any noise at all, because the mere thought of Haru clinging to him like that was enough to set his heart racing anew and thoughts spiralling out of control. At least he didn’t wake up with “morning wood” - and he’s truly grateful for this small mercy. He would have probably _walked_ all the way back to Tokyo in mortification if that happened! And if he can’t steel himself and not let his thoughts wander dangerously - that could still be necessary.

Taking a few deep breaths and desperately trying to not lose what little remained of his nigh-nonexistent composure, after a few more attempts to gently pull away, Rin finally accepted that he was going to have to wake Haru after all. There was no alternative. He awkwardly reached out to the side with his untrapped arm and shook Haru’s shoulder a few times, to no response. Only after a few more tries (and adding softly spoken requests for him to wake up to the mix) did he manage to rouse him - only to blank out entirely at Haru’s groggy smile and the gentle but sleep-rough “good morning” he was greeted with.

Thankfully, Haru relatively quickly realised the position they were in, let go of Rin and got out of bed on his own without being prompted to, much to Rin’s begrudging relief and simultaneous disappointment. Weirder still, Haru made no comments about it, nor acted as if any of it was strange or embarrassing, and the only time he spoke to Rin at all was to confirm if he wanted breakfast, since they slept in much too late for their morning run. Well, they did have a rather “eventful” few days, so they could be excused for missing another jog. But even though Haru isn’t exactly the talkative type, that has been changing recently, and this _new_ heavy silence and the lack of any sort of conversation stretches on long enough for Rin to start slowly getting more and more twitchy as the day drags on.

 

He continues to be constantly on edge throughout the entire afternoon. He’s kind of anxiously waiting for his undeniably bad state to be brought up any time now, and he doesn’t think he is ready for this particular conversation just yet. He isn’t sure if he ever will be - his previous epiphanies about _maybe_ wanting to _talk_ be damned... But so far, not much seems to indicate Haru wanting to breach the subject, and Rin would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little bit relieved. Haru does seem to start looking at him a bit more often than usual though, with a gaze intense enough that it feels capable of boring holes into the side of Rin’s face. He’s unsettled enough by it that he’s about to crankily ask what it’s about, but the source of that particular behaviour makes itself known soon on its own.

“Rin, aren’t you going to get that?”

He blinks in confusion, looking up to meet Haru’s eyes and trying to understand what he means when the dull buzzing finally registers, the odd sound coming from somewhere off to his side. He swallows thickly and reaches down onto the tatami mat for his phone, waiting for the caller to hang up on their own since he doesn’t want to outright reject the call. He doesn’t even need to check the screen to know who it is.

“Sorry, I just set it to vibration mode by habit. Is it bothering you? Hold on a second, I’ll turn it off completely.”

“I’m not telling you to turn it off.”

“Then what?” Haru pauses and Rin could swear he fidgets uncomfortably for a second.

“I’m... wondering why you’re ignoring it on purpose...” he finally answers slowly, drawing the words out as if saying them is difficult - which it probably is, all things considered. Haru doesn’t seem like the type to pry often. By way of answering his inquiry Rin holds the still buzzing phone up, showing him the caller’s ID flashing on the screen. Haru squints at it.

“Matsuoka ...Kou? A relative?” Rin huffs something that potentially could pass as a laugh.

“Yeah. My sister... She’d be pleased to hear you got her name “right” at first attempt. Everyone calls her ‘ _G_ ou’. She’s been trying to get people to read it ‘ _Kou_ ’ since she was a kid, but I guess some habits die hard.”

“You don’t want to talk to her.” Rin flinches in discomfort at Haru’s tone. It’s not really accusatory, but there’s a note of finality in it that makes it obvious it’s definitely not a question.

“Not particularly, no...” The phone’s buzzing finally goes silent and Rin turns the screen off. “Though I guess you’d know something about that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Haru frowns.

“Makoto told me about how difficult it is to get in contact with you.”

“That’s different.”

“Oh? Do enlighten me. How?” Rin doesn’t mean to sound snappy, but it comes out harsher than he intends.

“I reply and call back. ...Eventually. When I find my phone, or charge it.”

“Yeah, well. So do I. _Eventually_.”

“But not _now_ , even while you’re still holding the phone.” Haru’s eyes slide to the grip Rin anxiously tightens around his cellphone. He’s starting to feel the inklings of Haru slowly (and with the grace of a bull in a china shop) opening a line of questioning Rin definitely isn’t ready for, but one that he’s been expecting since morning. He forces himself to stay calm; he’s used to deflecting such things, he can do it again now. ...Probably. Maybe.

“I just– don’t really want to talk right now, okay?”

“You’re talking to me.”

“That’s _different_.” Rin borrows Haru’s words unconsciously and immediately regrets it, because now he’ll probably end up having to explain just _how much_ of a difference there is between talking to Haru and talking to other people. How much easier it is to spend time with somebody who doesn’t look at him with hurt and pity in equal measure. Haru tilts his head in response, the unspoken “why” clear in his expression.

“It’s just different!” He puts the phone face down on the table with more force than strictly necessary. The sharp impact noise makes him wince and fidget as he looks away, hoping he hasn’t cracked the screen but not wanting to check. He’s already starting to lose his ‘cool’ and Haru hasn’t even tried asking any _serious_ questions yet.

There’s an uncomfortable moment of silence between them and Rin doesn’t dare look up - he knows Haru is staring at him with that unnerving and unmovable focus of his, no point in confirming it. He doesn’t want to know the expression on his face anyway, just in case it’s a painful echo of the looks he’s been getting from others for months.

 

“Makoto texted me earlier.” is what comes out of Haru’s mouth after a moment, throwing Rin for a loop because he immediately has no idea anymore where this conversation is going. Trust Haru to unhinge him yet again, lest he’d begin to think he was starting to get used to the unpredictability by now.

“Yeah? Did you reply to him _eventually_?” Rin murmurs sourly like a petulant child, for no reason whatsoever.

“He asked about the swimsuits.”

“... _Swimsuits_? What swims–” Rin pauses and blinks at Haru in confusion for a moment before it hits him. “Ohhh... The _twitter post_?...”

Haru shrugs and Rin is no closer to understanding what would be so weird to Makoto in Rin’s tweet that he had to go and ask _Haru_ about it, and not him. It was just a silly photo that Rin snapped after he volunteered to do and hang out their more ‘delicate’ laundry that needed to be hand-washed, just to have something to occupy himself with after the embarrassment of the previous night. Sitting across from Haru in a somewhat uncomfortable silence wasn’t exactly doing him any favours.

After taking care of the chores he tweeted a simple picture of Haru’s (rather impressive) collection of jammers drying on clotheslines outside in the back yard. He couldn’t resist adding the caption “I can’t believe I know somebody who owns more swimsuits than I do!!! :D” to it. Of course, he asked for permission before posting it all in the first place, receiving a suspicious stink eye in return before Haru nodded his consent.

“Well, what did Makoto want to know about it?”

“A lot.” Haru grumbles noncommittally and Rin takes that to mean “too much”, and resigns himself to not getting any more answers until Haru heaves a deep sigh and continues in a slightly cranky tone.

“First he asked if I bought more new jammers since we last saw each other. Then he worried that there were a lot of them drying, so he started fretting if I _“wasn’t being a good host”_ and going swimming without you all the time, leaving you sitting here alone. When I said I wouldn’t do that, he wondered why weren’t there any of _your_ swimsuits drying next to mine then, and I had to tell him the swim club is closed for renovation. ...My explanation _‘didn’t make sense’_ , apparently.”

“I guess he doesn’t remember that you bathe in them, huh?” Rin forces the words out through a tight throat, wondering whether he’ll be able to dodge this particular incoming bullet, but doesn’t gauge his chances for success as high.

“Probably. But that’s not my point.” Haru folds his arms on the table and leans in a little, inexplicably making Rin want to sit up straighter and pull away.

“You didn’t even _bring_ a swimsuit, did you?” Rin feels like that might even be a rhetorical question, but after a brief hesitation he slowly shakes his head all the same. Haru sighs softly and looks down at the table for a moment.

“Rin... I’m not as ignorant as you and Makoto may think I am.” Haru’s brow twitches almost imperceptibly and Rin tenses up, wondering whether he hasn’t accidentally insulted Haru before since something seems to have hit a nerve. Before he has the chance to ask or murmur a knee-jerk apology though, Haru continues.

“I watch TV sometimes, I go on the internet too. I _do_ know who you are. Though you try very hard to avoid talking about your life in detail, or about anything even remotely connected.” Haru pauses and thinks for a second before continuing. “Except that one time when you were recognised, I guess. And whatever occasional commentary about my swimsuits you may have. You’re not very subtle about the avoidance though, so I haven’t tried pushing the subject before.”

For a brief moment Rin has the ludicrous panicked thought that _he underestimated an opponent_ pop in his head. Just _when_ did borderline antisocial recluse Nanase Haruka of all people learn to read through him so skillfully? ...Overnight?! Or maybe it was his own fault that he didn’t realise he was lost out at sea all along and there’s been a shark tracking him all this time? Waiting until he tires himself out and biding its time before it can sink its teeth in? (He _really_ wants to bash his head against the table for the sheer ridiculousness of that trail of thought, though, the very moment it appears.)

 

“Makoto texts me _a lot_ , recently.” Rin feels a bit of whiplash at Haru’s yet another abrupt change of topic direction and scrambles for something to say.

“I guess you needed to communicate some details before I came here, so–”

“I mean since _after_ you got here. He sends me messages all the time.”

“Well, you’ve been friends forever and he’s probably worried, because he’s the one who set this up, so he wants to know how if we’re getting along okay...?” Rin swallows thickly, already knowing his attempts at deflecting are being, ironically, deflected.

“Makoto is always worried, he wouldn’t be himself without it. But he’s not really worrying about _that_ , not exactly. He’s been asking about _you_ specifically. A _lot_.” Rin doesn’t respond, doesn’t really even _have_ a response to that, because what can he even say that wouldn’t devolve into him feeling pathetic for barely-even-friends like Makoto worrying about him too. Eventually, Haru continues.

“He keeps wondering how you’re doing and asking whether I’m taking good care of you.”

Rin manages to briefly crack half a smile at that, because yeah, Haru _is_ doing that, but it’s not like he’s about to admit it out loud. He sighs instead and looks up at Haru with a shrug.

“Why is he pestering you for that kind of information? Makoto texts me frequently enough too, so he should know that I’m alright.”

In contrast to the previous bluntness, Haru murmurs something mostly inaudible under his nose in response and Rin has to prompt him to repeat it. He regrets it instantly when Haru removes his elbows from the table and seems to hunch in on himself, refusing to meet his eyes and looking off to the side.

“...But you’re _not_...” he repeats, barely any louder than before but Rin hears him clearly this time and wishes he hadn’t. He’s not sure what his face is doing and is rather glad that Haru isn’t looking at him for the moment. He swallows thickly and tries to say something to refute that statement, but nothing comes to mind that wouldn’t be an outright lie.

“You’re not alright.” Haru repeats once more and turns back to face Rin again. “I think that... you haven’t been _‘alright’_ for a long time now, even though you try to make it seem like that. You’ll readily put silly pictures up on your social media, meant for thousands of people you don’t even know. You’ll post photos of my cooking, the stray cats, swimsuits, or sunsets, or whatever else strikes your fancy, but not of your own face. Not recently, at least.”

“Oi, you– Wait... How do you–?... You saw my–”

“–But you also deliberately _won’t_ answer a phone call from your _sister_. You won’t call her back either, probably, will you? You won’t talk to your own family, and yet you’re doing so much pretending for ‘the public’ that everything is normal at the same time. I’m guessing it’s because it’s painfully obvious to anyone closer to you to see that you’re _not okay_?”

“Ouch, Haru... That’s harsh...” he grimaces a little, actually meaning it. He already knew that Haru doesn’t exactly pull punches with how blunt he is in general, but Rin hadn’t anticipated him going straight for the jugular like this. He’s loathe to say it, but it’s proving to be... rather effective. He can already feel his defences crumbling, no matter how much he’d like to hold onto them for a little while longer.

“I don’t know how else to say it, Rin. I don’t want to sound harsh, but I’m not–” he trails off and shakes his head, changing tack. “When Makoto told me you were going through a rough time and needed a quiet place to lay low for a while, I didn’t know what to expect–”

“Something awful? A criminal probably? Did he seriously actually say “ _lay low_ ” out loud, like I’m some kind of yakuza member on the run?” Rin shoots Haru a weak lopsided grin, he knows he’s grasping at straws in trying to derail the direction this conversation is taking but he can’t help it, even though he can already tell it’s futile.

“My point is, that first evening... You looked like you haven’t slept for at least a week. No... _Worse_. Like it was something even a week’s worth of sleep couldn’t help... And you’re once more starting to look like that recently.”

“Again, ouch, harsh?” Rin grimaces and rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “Well, you’re actually... not too far off the mark there...”

“Then– why are you still pretending you're totally fine, putting up a front? ...I feel like you’re lying to me too, every time you try to cover up in how bad a shape you are.”

Rin’s face falls and he bristles instantly, immediately disproportionately defensive and almost angry, but the emotion quickly fades into a defeated acceptance that _this is really happening_. That he’s going to have to explain, since Haru definitely will not let it rest anymore. But where would he even begin?

“Why are you trying to keep up the lie, both in front of people you don’t even know, and those who care about you?”

"Because I _have to_ , Haru! Until I get my shit together again. ...Okay? I just _have to_... It’s my fault, things happened, I fucked up, and then the resulting mess spiralled out of control. I have no other choice but to deal with this on my own now, and then decide what to do next..." he almost spits out, hoping Haru will understand that he’s not angry at _him_ \- just the world in general. He exhales shakily and watches Haru frown and chew on the side of his lip in silence for what feels like an eternity.

 

“Rin... If I asked you, would you tell me what happened to get you to this state...?”

The words are spoken softly and timidly enough that it tugs at Rin’s heartstrings. That uncertainty of Haru’s amidst all the previous bluntness, wondering whether the question won’t be too intrusive, is kind of... _sweet_ , actually.

"...And why would you ask me _now_? Why not earlier, a few weeks ago, if you were already bothered by my mood when I showed up here?" Despite Haru’s gentle tone, Rin can’t help still sounding a little sour; it’s too sore a topic to try and control his reactions, especially after Haru already pointed out it feels like he’s _lying_ if Rin hides things from him.

"Because... you wouldn’t have answered then. And... because of last night..."

 

Rin feels uncomfortably hot all of a sudden and bristles again for an entirely different reason, sitting up straighter. He still hasn’t come to terms with how easy it was to stave off the persistent night terrors just by sleeping next to Haru and isn’t sure how to feel now that it was finally brought up. He thought Haru wasn’t affected at all, with how distant he was acting all morning. Was he wrong…? Did he misinterpret Haru’s increased silence as indifference, while he just needed some space to process what happened…?

"And what makes you think that last night... _changed_ anything?"

"Because we both know it _did_ change something... And I think you won't outright actually lie to me. So... I'm asking now... instead of still waiting for you to finally _break_...”

Rin can pinpoint the exact moment Haru’s own facade of fake indifference cracks, his hands curling into fists where they’ve been resting on his legs, his shoulders hunching and head falling forward as if someone put a heavy weight on him.

”...I'm _so tired_ of waiting for you to slowly get there... It hurts to watch... _Please_ , Rin..."

 

The brief silence that falls after that statement is both deafening and disarming in its direct honesty. Haru looks up slowly, their eyes lock, and Rin can see the true depth of Haru’s concern and fatigue in that instant. It’s so different from the way other people have looked at him. There’s no pity in Haru’s gaze and no questioning whether Rin isn’t going to suddenly fall apart from even the softest poke at whatever it is that’s been making him edge ever closer to a breakdown. There’s just a bone-deep worry and an overwhelming desire to know whether there’s anything he can to do help. The realisation of how deeply Haru really _cares_ is almost enough to make Rin want to start babbling uncontrollably; he’d say everything, anything, just to remove that pained look from Haru’s eyes.

He hunches in on himself, weak and finally stripped of all defences and fake posturing. He’s so tired of running away, and Haru has the right to know, and judge him on his own. He’ll just have to deal with the outcome of that when it happens... And didn’t Rin just reach that conclusion last night? That he’d be willing to tell him _if_ Haru asked…? He just didn’t anticipate it happening so soon - and like _this_.

“It’s... kind of a long story though...” he rubs the back of his neck and exhales shakily, the fear and pain lodged in his chest threatening to overwhelm him even before he begins. Haru nods uncertainly and stands up slowly.

“I’ll... make some tea, I guess...”

 

Well... They might as well get _comfortable_.


End file.
